Wow, you have been through so much to bring your adopted child home. You have probably had many ups and downs as they settle or are settling into their forever family. Yet there’s nothing quite as painful as when your adopted child turns round and says, “I hate you, you are not my real mum/dad!’
Oh so painful. Lets just take stock for a moment though. A lot of birth children at some point will say, ‘ I hate you’ to a parent. They also say, ‘I wish you were not my real mum/dad’, ‘I wish I was not part of this family’ and ‘I wish I was adopted’. It’s a normal part of growing up.
One of the reasons it is so hurtful for adoptive parents is because we work so hard to make our adopted child feel welcome, loved and like they belong. We desire strongly that they will see us as mum or dad. However, understanding of their past we are and accepting of their relationship with their birth parents most of us want to be seen as mum and dad in our own right as well.
So when our adopted child says I hate you or ‘You’re not my real mum or dad it has a real sting in the tail.
Before you react, breathe. It’s really important to acknowledge if in that moment you feel hurt or rejected. It’s perfectly normal to feel those feelings and OK. Decide how you want to react. Responding from a place of love say what you want to say. Remember it is sometimes better to address behaviour you don’t like or want at a time of calm rather than in the moment. Here are ten options you can choose from if you want to prepare for a time those words may be uttered to you.
1) You don’t hate me, you don’t like what I’m telling you. There’s a big difference. I am not your birth mum/biological dad that’s right. I am your mum and I love you.
2) You don’t hate me, you hate what I am saying
3) It’s OK; I love you enough for both of us
4) You do? That doesn’t feel very nice. I don’t feel that way about you. I love you
5) I know you are angry and you still need to go put your shoes away
6) Thank you for telling me what your thinking. We’ll talk about it later. Now please do as I asked
7) That’s OK, I know you love me but right now you feel like you hate me. I bet that doesn’t feel too good
8) Would you like a hug
9) Sorry you feel that way, that’s too bad
10) I’m not your real birth mum, I am your real adoptive mum//dad