Accepting and embracing some hard information about a child’s life and realising how little you will probably ever know.
In the early stages of the process it is helpful to start thinking about this question. How do you feel about how much information you will and won’t receive about an adopted child?
This is an important question for you to think about and answer when thinking about if adoption is for you. When you first express an interest in a child it’s usually based on a few paragraphs. Then if you and family finder are both interested you will receive the child’s p…. This is a few pages with your child history outlined. It’s always hard reading because children who are put up for adoption are always coming from hard places. This can be difficult especially when the reality for you maybe that you have been unable or are unable to have a baby naturally and you just want a child. It can take some getting your head around the reality that adoption isn’t the same. That any child coming to you will have already lived through some combination of neglect, hurt, hunger, fear, terror and aching aloneness. This is why it is so important to grieve for your longed for baby. I talk more abut that here………………… and it’s important whatever your circumstances to take responsibility for making the choice to adopt……….link.
When you have been linked with a child you work towards matching panel and you will find out some more information about your child and even more information once you’ve been matched and are working towards introductions.
This information can be difficult and harrowing for you to hear. It is important to accept the information and embrace it. By this, I mean after the meeting allow yourself to think about and process the information. Accept this is what your child has experienced and then embrace it. It’s not something you can just ignore, shut away, make better with love. Those experiences will be part of what shapes your child, it will impact their attachment style and how their brain has grown. It is there history and part of them. We embrace it, their history, their story, to embrace them. If you feel unable to do this then seriously think about if this is the road you to parenting you want to go down. Any child being adopted whose adoptive parents can’t embrace their past will make the child feel ashamed of their past. Shameful things have been experienced by children who are adopted, but they are not shameful and there is no shame in being adopted.
The information you will receive will be given during meetings and I know I felt like we were receiving loads of intense information all in one go during these meetings. This can lead to you feeling like you have lots of information about your child but as you face your child on that first day of introductions you can suddenly realize how little you know of this stranger standing before you. Reality is the professionals can only know so much of the child’s past and it tends to be the information they need to decide whether a child is to be removed or not. As you bring your child home and time moves on and they start to ask questions you realise how little you know. This is hard for you, it’s hard for them. It can be frustrating feeling like a bit of the jigsaw is missing, especially when you feel you can’t understand a particular behaviour your child is presenting with.
When we decide to adopt we are relinquishing knowing all there is to know about our child’s past.
It’s an important question to ask yourself when deciding whether to adopt. Am I able to accept and embrace not knowing much of my child’s early life experiences? Your child depending on their age when removed and adopted may have lots of conscious memories of their past that you are not part of. It may feel really difficult at times and is something work through together.
It’s important to acknowledge that you will not know lots of things about your child’s past and begin to come to terms with that now as you make your decision whether to adopt or not. When you make the decision to adopt it needs to be with the willingness to accept and embrace your child’s history so you can embrace the whole of them with no shame on your part. That is the start to laying a good foundation for your forever family and all the ups and downs of family life.